- A JOURNAL OF THE LIFE AND GOSPEL LABOURS OF JOHN CONRAN, OF MOYALLEN, IN IRELAND, WHO DIED IN THE YEAR 1827. Nobo first puSItstrb from tijr original PHILADELPHIA: HENRY LONGS TEETH, No. 738 Sansom Street, 1877. Exchange T^etern Ont. Univ. Library FEB 4 1941 ■>, * PREFACE. In offering to the public the present small volume, it may be well to state that it has been selected from the manu¬ script journal of our dear friend John Conran, late of Moyallen, in the county of Down, Ireland. Care has been taken, in making these extracts, to preserve and connect all the most valuable and instructive matter, leaving out only such passages as did not appear desir¬ able for publication, or whose scope was embraced in other parts of the work. Some verbal alterations have also been made to lessen the many repetitions, and a few additions where a clearer elucidation of the sense of the writer seemed required, which have in most cases been placed within brackets ; the sole object of the Compiler having been neither to add to, nor to diminish from, the testimony which this faithful servant and labourer in the gospel was concerned thus to leave on record, for the magnifying of that Divine Grace which was not bestowed on him in vain, and by which he was what he was. For the above-mentioned omissions the editor finds a sanc¬ tion in the following allusion to his journal, ipade by John Conran near the close of his life : — “ Upon having these memoirs read to me, I observe some matters which («) iv PREFACE. may appear, and did so to me, as scarcely proper to be inserted in them — to the wise and prudent, among us and others, they will appear to be foolishness ; but as I sat this day in religious retirement, it was opened on my mind that the new birth is brought forth like the natural one in a state of infancy — in this state we think as a child, and speak as a child, and use and practice childish things ; but when we gain some further strength and ac¬ quaintance with the Divine mind, we gradually see things as they really are, and lay aside these childish things, experiencing a growth in spiritual stature till we attain that of a young man or woman in Christ. Some years since also being retired into religious silence, at a time of great discouragement from having heard that Isaac Sharpies had destroyed his writings, the following charge was clearly uttered within me, ‘ Gather up thy fragments, let nothing be lost, for they will be looked for/ Under these considerations, I feel easy to leave these passages to the revision and discretion of solid Friends, to retain or obliterate as they may think them likely to be useful or otherwise. — John Conran, Moyallen , 14 th of Fourth Month, 1827.” Should any in rising from the perusal of the succeed- ing pages admit feelings of discouragement, from observ¬ ing the deep probations through which our dear friend had frequently to pass during the latter period of his life, it is hoped that they will recollect that he was a chosen instrument in the Divine Hand, and as such PREFACE. V needed again and again to be dipped into Jordan for his further purifying for the work whereunto he was called ; and that as he was thus deeply baptized, so he was the more enabled to live very near in spirit to the Source of all good, and was often refreshed by Him who promised to be “ as the dew unto Israel/’ at times in a manner which it would not be suitable, perhaps not possible, to convey to others. So let none be dismayed, or cast away their confidence ; rather let them continually remember that “ He is faithful who has promised/’ and that no more will be required of the feeblest of His fold than he will with the requirement give them strength either to endure or to perform. It is believed that to those yet remaining, who knew and loved John Conran, these memorials of the Lord’s leadings and tender dealings with him will be precious, and will revive in their remembrance the line upon line and precept upon precept which he was made an instru¬ ment of conveying to them in the days of their youth, when the visitation of Divine love was extended to them ; may the recurrence thereof lead to the heart-felt inquiry, how far the Heavenly calls have been answered, and their day’s work kept pace with their day ; and if a degree of fear and doubt should clothe their minds on this scrutiny, may there be an earnest applying for Holy help to make straighter steps to their feet the remainder of their little time, that so they may yet be enabled to glorify and praise His name, whose mercy endureth for ever 1 And vi PREFACE. may those of the rising and succeeding generations, in observing the unshaken faith, the simple obedience, the confiding patience, and the deep humility which charac¬ terized this faithful servant of his good Lord, be stimu¬ lated to follow him as he endeavoured to follow Christ, that so they also may be graciously permitted to lay down their heads with peace and praise ! CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. PAGI John Conran — His Education — Early Life — Religious Exercises — Convincement of the Truth — And leading Into the Testimonies thereof. . . . 1 CHAPTER II. 1773. His preparation for the Ministry — Travels as guide to Esther Tuke — Also with Mary Robinson and Barbara Drewry — His first appearance in the ministry — Accompanies Christiana Hustler and Phebe Marshall. 81 CHAPTER III. 1782. Attends the Yearly Meeting in London — Joins Robert Valentine and John Hall in visiting Leinster and Munster provinces — His Marriage — Visit to the families of Ballyhagen and Ballinderry Meetings . 65 CHAPTER IV. 1786. Religious services in Ulster Province — And in Carlow Meeting — Death of his Daughter — Visits the Meetings in Munster Province — Illness and Death of his Wife — Returns into Munster . . 102 (▼a) viii CONTENTS. CHAPTER V. PAG* Attends sundry Meetings from 1808 to 1812 — Visits the families in Waterford, Clonmel, and Cork — Various Exercises and Services around Home . 123 CHAPTER VI. 1815. Continuation of the Journal of his religious expe¬ rience and services . 149 CHAPTER VII. 1819. He becomes a Member of Lurgan Monthly Meet¬ ing — Religious Exercises — Accompanies John Kirk- ham and Visits the Families with him in Dublin — Con¬ tinuation of his exercises and services . 174 CHAPTER VIII. 1824. Various Exercises and Openings in Scripture Doctrine — Conclusion of his Journal — Testimony of lie Monthly Meeting of Lisburn concerning him . 228 THE LIFE OF JOHN CONRAN. CHAPTER I. JOHN CONRAN — HIS EDUCATION — EARLY LIFE — RELIGIOUS EXERCISES - CONVINCEMENT OF THE TRUTH - AND LEADING INTO THE TESTIMONIES THEREOF. I have had it on my mind, at sundry times for years past, to leave some memorial of the tender and merciful dealings of a gracious Creator with me, unworthy as I feel of the least of them ; and I trust and hope my endeavouring to do so at this time proceeds more from a desire to give the praise to whom it is due, than to exalt the creature, to whom only belongs shame and confusion of face. I am now, (1808), in the 69th year of my age, and though the concerns of my past life may by many be thought of little consequence to the pub¬ lic, for whom they are not recorded, yet they may prove of advantage to some who may be led to (1) 2 THE LIFE OF travel in that path which the vulture’s eye has not seen. The keen discerning eye of human wisdom hath not been able, in any age of the world, to dis¬ close that mystery that was hid from the wise and prudent, in all ages and generations ; but the patriarchs, prophets, and apostles, being way-faring men, of simple manners, and not acquainted with that learning which the heathens took so much pride in, walked in the living experience of the ways and workings of the Divine grace in their own hearts, following and obeying it, and were thereby made partakers of that covenant of life, which cometh only and alone through the spiritual appear¬ ance of Jesus Christ within them. Such as these, let their outward name to religion be what it may, whilst they obeyed this heavenly light and were followers of it, became children of it, and the works they did in obedience to it were works of righteous¬ ness, and were accepted at their hands. It was after this manner, that many professing heathenism, were not only a law to themselves, but their lives and conversation made them as lights in the world ; the full manifestation of the glorious gospel day, being reserved for the coming and appearance of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which day Abraham saw in the vision of life and was glad: in the same life and light the prophets and holy men of old, as they were inspired by the Holy Spirit, JOHN CONRAN. 3 foretold the&e glad tidings. This revelation, man by his own wisdom, and aided by all the acquired learning either of himself or others, was not able to comprehend ; neither was this learning sufficient for men in former ages, nor is it sufficient in this age or generation, savingly to show to themselves or to others, who Christ within, the hope of glory, is, or to enable them to confess Him in life and con¬ versation, governed by holy fear, that He is the Christ, the Son of the living God — flesh and blood cannot reveal this now, no more than it could to Peter, but our Father who is heaven. Believing in this Scripture, Matt. xi. 27., that “ no man (as man) knoweth the Son, but the Father, nor the Father, but the Son, and those only to whom the Son doth reveal Him ” — I make these few observations in the forepart of this narrative, as my mode of living, birth and parentage, was not corresponding with my profession and faith at this day. And as my change from the outward and visible signs, repre¬ senting God’s grace to man, to the inward and spiritual grace typified by these shadows, was not the result of my own wisdom or will, or that of others, but arising from the secret manifestations of His Divine grace in my heart, I feel desirous to bear my testimony to this inward revelation of light and truth, which I fully believe comes from Jesus Christ, to redeem those who feel it and are obedient 4 THE LIFE OF to it, from all unrighteousness and the world’s lusts, and to teach them to live soberly, righteously, [and godly,] in this present world, Titus ii. 11, 12 ; and that it not only teaches us, but also is sufficient to help and deliver us in every needful time of trial, which a belief in the outward ordinances, and the observation of times and ceremonies, never did accomplish for me, as may be seen hereafter in this recital. I was born in the city of Dublin, in the year 1739, my parents professing with the Church of England, I was bred in that profession, and had the advantage of a pretty liberal education under a clergyman of that way. After I had acquired some acquaintance with the classics, before I was twelve years old, I was placed under the care of Abraham Shackleton of Ballitore, where I acquired further improvement in my former studies, as well as an acquaintance with such learning as was necessary to qualify me for business. I may not omit a circum¬ stance which attended me there when about thirteen years of age, being an instance of the merciful visi¬ tation of Divine grace to us in early youth, appear¬ ing as a spirit of judgment, and condemning those things which His blessed Spirit holds a controversy with. In company with some of my school-fellows, I drank some sweet liquor, (Shrub) which overcame me : after I was in bed some time, I felt close con- JOHN CONRAN. 5 victions take hold of me, which made me sorrowful, ■ — these gradually grew upon me, and were suc¬ ceeded by great terrors of death, and future judg¬ ment, which caused me to cry out for mercy, and that I would never be guilty of the same again. My old master came up to my bed-side, and stood abstracted \ till this dispensation subsided, perhaps about fifteen minutes. These impressions, though deep at the time, were soon erased, and I thought very little more about it, being taken up with amusements. I was placed apprentice in Lisburn, in the county of Antrim, to learn the linen-trade ; in that situa¬ tion I had more liberty than hitherto I had expe¬ rienced. My intimate acquaintance was with young men about my age, and having a pretty good share of money given to me by my relations, it led me into amusements to which youth are incident. I kept a horse, and was very fond of hunting; I attended balls and assemblies, to which I was much addicted, and this led to a desire after fine clothes, which I indulged to an expensive degree ; I was also fond of music, and had a strong propensity to singing and whistling, which the love of music leads to. I may say with Solomon, I gave my heart to know pleasure in most shapes, which the sons of men are given to — not as the wise man said, to know what it was good for ; that knowledge was reserved by the good Shepherd for a future day, THE LIFE OF when I was made to see in that light which is superior to the written word, that these things lead to the chambers of death ; for the lovers of pleasure are not, nor can be, lovers of God, as there is no con¬ cord between Christ and Belial. I continued pretty much in these practices and habits till I was about twenty-four years of age, when I felt my mind oftentimes brought into serious reflections, and that disposition gradually wore away which led me into gay company, and at the same time out from hearing the Divine voice, which is a still small voice in the secret of my heart ; and to the surprise of many, some of whom were otherwise valuable members of the community, I left the assemblies which were termed innocent amusements. I had lodgings in town, and kept very much at home ; my former companions used to come and tempt me to go with them, but I refused with such a coun¬ tenance bespeaking a degree of solidity as sur¬ prised them, and I heard it was reported I was taking leave of my senses, which occasioned others to come and look at me to see if it were so. 7 which led me into a belief, and perhaps some sensible experience, that what was to be known of God was made manifest within. My secret breathings began to be after God, these led me to the frequent atten¬ dance of public worship, and I very rarely missed receiving the bread and wine, except I apprehended myself disqualified. The recommendation not to approach the Lord’s table, nor to receive the ele¬ ments unworthily, lest I should eat and drink my owTn damnation, had been a block at which I had long stumbled; but one day, on that occasion, I thought I felt restrained from going out as usual with those who did not communicate, so in much fear I approached the table, and received the bread and wine, which gave me great satisfaction that I had now received this rite of my church, and I con¬ tinued this practice for some years. I believe I was permitted in this seeking state of mind, to try this ceremony what it was good for, for I was an advo¬ cate for the religion of my education, and I have been told by a dignitary in it, that he was always glad to see me in church, as my deportment there wras devout, and he was sorry to lose me. I was intimately acquainted with sundry of the people called Quakers, and had an esteem and friendship for them ; but their pretensions to such refinements in religion, their claim to inspiration, and their silent meetings with the benefit said to 8 THE LIFE OF arise from them, I could not well relish, neither did I at all believe it. I was of the judgment that the New Testament contained all that was necessary for man’s salvation, but it used at times to stagger me, how I should put to practice its precepts — in it wTas the form, but where was the power to fulfil ? Often¬ times I did groan for deliverance from the power of sin and death, and like many of my then fellow-com¬ municants, I believed there was no redemption from it on this side of the grave ; this settled me down in a degree of ease in the outside performances, which like the law formerly did not make the comers thereunto perfect ; yet to me, I believe, they were made useful to bring me unto the better Covenant. Whilst I was seeking after redemption from sin and transgression, I left the town, and took a farm, where I have now lived about forty-three years : I believe this removal was in the ordering of best Wisdom, it led me away in a great degree from my former acquaintance and habits ; my spare time was taken up with useful, and to me they were agreeable, occupations, I farmed, and followed my linen busi¬ ness. I attended the public worship rather more constantly than before, though about three miles distant, and thought nothing could shake my opi¬ nions which were orthodox in relation to it ; I had not any thoughts of making so important a revolu¬ tion as to change or alter the religion of my educa- JOHN CONRAN, 9 tion — here I was at ease. But from my frequently retiring into a secret communion in my own heart and being still, I was gradually led to a close reliance and dependence upon Divine instruction, not con¬ sidering that any other body of Christians made this profession more openly than I did. Divine Mercy saw me at this time, as He saw Nathanael formerly under the fig-tree, when no other saw him, and suffered me to try my own strength, in endea¬ vouring to establish my own righteousness ; that by finding it unequal in the contest with the man of sin, I might more readily submit, when the time should more fully come to ask for and receive strength from Him upon whom our help is laid. I usually presented my petitions night and morn¬ ing, that I might be preserved from temptations and from sins, and very frequently read some por¬ tions of Scripture before I went to bed. The week before I received the elements I usually read the service appointed thereto, and watched over my words and temper, that I might receive this rite with some degree of acceptance. But it was often cause of surprise to me, that I felt no additional strength to be derived from my pretty constant at¬ tendance on public worship and the sacrament, so called, having read and heard of the beneficial ef¬ fects obtained from receiving the bread and wine ; for on those occasions, (which were to mein good degree 10 THE LIFE OF solemn,) when I retired from what was called the Lord’s table, and humbly kneeling in the pew I re¬ turned thanks to God, and prayed that it might be blessed to my regeneration, my prayers even then seemed to be dry and unproductive of the fruits I was taught to expect from them. All this was per¬ formed in my own strength — I said I would be wise, but it was far from me — the hair that was by nature black was not hereby made white, nor that wdiich was crooked made straight, and instead of the old man being more crucified then than before, the ene¬ mies of my own house kept possession; yet I may say their goods were not in peace, I longed to get them turned out, and to be set free from the law of sin and death, under which I groaned and strove for the mas¬ tery. I had a natural warmth in my disposition, which I was very desirous to overcome as it unsettled my mind from that state of quiet in which I found rest ; but all the care I used was not sufficient at times to subdue it, and it was cause of great uneasi¬ ness to me when it did get up : yet I was enabled through Divine favour to keep up a fair outside ap¬ pearance with men, was not guilty of immorality, and was reckoned sober anireligious,and upon these grounds I held a pretty good opinion of my own at¬ tainments. 11 grand adversary, and is a false rest, and not [that] prepared for the people of God : out of this the ene¬ my will not disturb us, he will allow us to remain there all our lives, as I fear too many do — resting in their own labours, their works will not follow them. But my merciful Redeemer, who knew the integrity of my heart, and saw that bread did not satisfy my hungry soul, because I hungered and thirsted after righteousness which these things did not produce, was pleased to visit me again and again by the se¬ cret touches of Ilis Holy Spirit, gradually drawing my attention thereunto season after season, making me acquainted therewith as a light in my dark heart, and as a reprover and swift witness against the ap¬ pearances of evil, to which I gave heed, and rejoiced in it, but must say I knew it not as I have since known it ; I believed it was Divine, but my mind being so limited by the prejudices of education in favour of that profession of religion I was taught to believe in, I did not look for, neither did I expect to feel, in myself, the second appearance of our Lord Jesus Christ without sin unto salvation. My views and expectations were outward, my worship was only in the outward court, which was trodden by the Gentile spirit. I sought for Him without, whom my soul secretly desired to find — a Saviour who was promised to save us from our sins, and not in them. Sin had become so exceedingly sinful to 12 THE LIFE OF me, that my cry at times was, “ a Redeemer, or I perish — but I found Him not — I was seeking the living amongst the dead — the law formerly did not make the comers thereunto perfect. He, whom I wTas seeking, was risen, and the day was coming upon me that these empty forms and shadows were to flee away, and the Sun of Righteousness to arise with healing in His wings, in order to bring forth that life in me, which, being hid with Christ in God, all my endeavours in my own strength, will, and wisdom, proved ineffectual. And when the day of the Lord’s power came upon all those things I thought so much of, as my attainments in a reli¬ gious life and conversation, it burned as an oven, and consumed everything of that nature, that the Lord alone might rule and reign in my heart, whose right it is. I had been in the practice of going occasionally to the meetings of Friends for years past, but as my spirit became exercised after more durable riches than I had already obtained, I attended them more frequently, yet cannot say, I felt myself much bene- JOHN CONRAN. 13 fited thereby ; for, although I knew the people called Quakers made profession of a more spiritual religion than other people in this land, I was not then capable of forming a just judgment of that which I had only heard of by the hearing of the outward ear ; my spiritual eye had not been then anointed, by which only I could see the wonders of the new creation of God, in, and through, His dear Son, Christ Jesus. The time was not yet come that the Lord would enter into His temple, and the earth would be moved at His Divine presence, wTho indeed is the Lord of the whole earth, and worthy, worthy to be feared, honoured, and obeyed ! Whilst I was in this seeking frame of mind, I attended a Province Meeting held in Lurgan. In the first sitting a Friend spoke upon this portion of Scripture, “ Behold, I stand at the door and knock : if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him and he with me.” I did not find this testimony produced any good effect in me, for I was built up in a good opinion of the religious profession of my education, and I did not see much in the lives and conversa¬ tions of many amongst the Quakers, to induce me to give them much preference to many amongst my fellow-professors : moreover, I did not comprehend the nature or use of silent meetings. There was a Friend there from Pennsylvania, Robert Willis, I 14 THE LIFE OF think he was silent in that sitting. Upon Friends gathering into the Meeting for Discipline, I went in, not knowing the impropriety of it ; and though there were doorkeepers they let me pass on as they observed a solemnity in my countenance. In the pause of silence Robert Willis spoke, what it was I could not tell, my mind being gathered into inward silence; but such a power broke in upon me that I was greatly broken into tears, and. The cross then was nothing to me when compared with the treasure which was hidden in my heart ; 1 was then determined to sell all, so that I could gain this pearl I had been searching for so long in vain among the rubbish. Oh ! I remember that day, how I did rejoice ! a new song was put into my mouth, even praises to my God ! I do not expect any other but that this statement will be called enthusiasm, or the effects of a disturbed or .warm imagination, by those who have never been acquainted in themselves with the like happy and blessed experience, which I call, as to myself, the beginnings of the new creation of God in Christ JOHN CONRAN. 15 Jesus. The Gospel, in the (lays of the first messen¬ gers, was termed by the worldly-wise and prudent, foolishness — an eminent publisher of it was told too much learning had made him mad ; their lives, in¬ deed, were counted as madness, because the life they then lived was in Christ Jesus, whilst the lives of those who condemned them were after the flesh, fulfilling the lusts thereof. At the same time I fear there are many who make a profession with me of those things, who are not able to comprehend them, for we have not any thing that is good but what is given to us of God ; and if wc are not concerned to ask wisdom from Him, we shall not receive it, for the promise remains to be to those who ask: some amongst us do ask, but they ask amiss, asking that from the form which it cannot give. To these states I shall not use any reasoning to strive to convince them of their error, having the experience in my¬ self, how hard, nay, I may say, how impossible it would have been to have convinced me of these truths before, till Divine Mercy was extended to me, and by a simple operation comparable to the clay and spittle to open my blind eyes, so as measurably to enable me to see the light of His glorious coun¬ tenance, and to confess Him before men. But I write these things for the way-faring man and wo¬ man "who may be travelling Zionward, and can read me in their own experience, to encourage them to 16 THE LIFE OF hold on their way, and to let no discouragements they may meet with in their wilderness travel, cause them to look back to Egypt, for it is only those 'who hold out to the end that will be saved. I was now very much reduced to silence, and my spirit oft-times inward, waiting and looking after Him whom my soul loved. I thought, having found Him of whom Moses and the prophets did write — whose blessed day Abraham saw in the vision of life, and was glad, and whose blood of sprinkling speaketh better things than that of Abel — that now the Egyptian bondage of sin was at an end ; which perhaps was the case with Israel formerly, when Moses brought the message to them from the God of their fathers, commanding Pharaoh to let Israel go and worship their God. But spiritual Pharaoh was not to be so easily prevailed against as I thought. When he found I wTas for moving from under his government, and making for the promised land, submitting myself day after day to the guid¬ ance of the cloud by day, and the bright flame by night, I was closely pursued by him, his horsemen and chariots, as if they were determined I should not escape from them. The power that was per¬ mitted to them to try me with was great, so much so that I thought there w'as no power so great, not having as yet experienced the coming of Him who was stronger than they, clothed with the power of JOHN CONRAN. 17 His Father, to spoil [the strong man] of his goods, turn them out and take possession for Himself. This is the work of regeneration, so little known by the worldly-minded professors — this is the gospel of glad tidings, (the power of God,) preaching and teaching liberty to the captive, and the opening of the prison doors to them who had been bound by the chains of darkness and of sin. This is not the work of a day, or of a year — perhaps it maybe that of the greatest part of our lives, to be going on towards perfection, as the apostle Paul declared, “ Not that we are already perfect though he had been a preacher of the great and acceptable year of the Lord in Arabia and the coasts and the nations round about ; the command of our Lord and Master must be remembered in every stage of our journey, to “ watch and pray.” Oh ! the terrors that surrounded me by day and by night, lest the enemy should overpower me, and bring me back to the house of bondage, having been already made a partaker of a degree of the glorious liberty of the sons of God. One temptation after another "was presented to me, some in the wisdom and guile of the serpent, blasphemies in the roaring of the lion were spiritually uttered in iry hearing ; but I found by experience my peace and safety was in deep retirement of spirit and silence ; and though the subtle adversary came only to kill and to de- 2 18 THE LIFE OF stroy, yet his waters turned God’s mill, driving mo home, and to seek for help where help was laid, and in due time I found to be there. Deep in¬ deed were my conflicts, so that I was willing to exchange conditions with the labouring poor, if I might find peace with God and remission of past sins. In Eleventh Month, 1772, 1 attended the Half- year’s Meeting in Dublin : at this time I had not made any alteration in my dress or appearance, it was pretty much in the usual way of other people. In one of the meetings for worship I felt my mind drawn into deep silence — every outward considera¬ tion seemed to be withdrawn, and a deep solemnity ,was the covering 'of my spirit, which I very much gave up to, having found my strength at times renewed by it. In this season It. Willis stood up, and what he delivered I believe I did not then know, nor have I since, but I felt my lost state and condition so set before me in the secret of my soul, that with the anguish of it I cried for mercy ; for I thought the pit was open and ready to receive me, and all the horrors of it surrounded me. This visitation of judgment, with the terrors attending on it, brought me very deep and low in my mind, and I found the [Divine] fear to operate as a foun¬ tain of life, preserving me more from the snares of sin and death than the many years of will-worship JOHN CONRAN. 19 I had been in the practice of. I could now say, from an awful experience, that my Redeemer lived, was a God near at hand and not afar off, and that He was of purer eyes than to behold sin of any kind with any degree of approbation. I returned home much humbled, was often in retired silence, and diligently searched the scriptures to find some relief to my troubled mind ; and I can bear my testimony' to them, that they are the scriptures of the Spirit of Truth, given forth of old time by holy men of old as they were inspired of the Holy Ghost ; the same Divine Spirit bearing witness to them in my spirit, and opening to me counsel and instruction, to my edification and comfort. It was now that the Lord’s judgments were revealed in my earth, that I might thereby learn righteousness, all my sins and my transgressions, which were many, were set in order before me ; it appeared that a book of remembrance had been kept on high, and that nothing was forgotten. Oh ! the terrors of those days, when the righteous Judge of quick and dead sat in judgment in my soul, arrayed in terrible majesty and power, not only to search out the most hidden things, as if nothing was to escape His all-seeing eye, but I was made livingly sensible He had the power to cast into hell. Day after day uttered speech, and night after night declared knowledge, that there was no 20 THE LIFE OF repentance in the grave, the repentance and re¬ mission must be done in these bodies ; for hours I have been on my knees with uplifted hands, asking for mercy, and sometimes apparently brought to the brink of everlasting death before I could feel remission of sin. My duty to my parents was brought into inquisition, and I had to make a close inquiry, in great fear, as they were both dead, and no recompense in my power ; but I had the peace¬ ful answer to make on the scrutiny, that I had not ever wilfully disobliged or behaved undutifully to them. Oh ! ye children, let me entreat it of you, in the fear of the Lord, “ obey your parents in the Lord, for this is well-pleasing” in his holy sight; and you who act in a light manner by your parents, and trouble them by your disobedient conduct, I am persuaded of it, you will have to answer for it in this world, or in that which is to come. Now, to speak on a subject that such numbers, whom I prefer to myself in acquired knowledge and natural understanding, place so great dependence upon, is hard for me ; yet I cannot easily avoid re¬ lating my experience of that formal profession I made, when all my deeds of righteousness (so called) and unrighteousness wTere brought before the great tribunal that was now set up in my heart. I saw that when the true church fled into the wilderness, and the great red dragon cast out his floods of per- JOHN CONRAN. 21 secution after her, there was a place prepared for her there for a time, times [and half a time ;] that then the wisdom of men got into dominion, and sat as antichrist in the temple of man’s heart, where Christ before had sat and ruled as the Head of His church. Then they apostatized from the true faith, which was his Divine gift to his church, and having lost the light in the darkness of the human under¬ standing, they set up a form of godliness, denying the power that can only produce it ; and instead of the true and living faith which was once delivered to the saints, they established creeds and forms of prayer, like the kerchiefs we read of that fitted every stature, that suited every state and condi¬ tion ; thereby turning the people from feeling their own states and conditions as they were in the sight of God, (who, perhaps, was at the same time judg¬ ing them secretly) to trust to prayers and supplica¬ tions made ready for them some hundred years before they were born ; when the Divine Spirit, who willeth not the death of him that dieth, was ready to make intercession for them, not in a set form of words aptly joined together, but in sighs and groans which no other could utter for them. And as to prayers in a set form being presented at the Throne of Grace by unregenerate man, who is in a state of moral turpitude — I am persuaded they are an abomination to God, and will not meet - 22 THE LIFE OF his acceptance. First make the tree good, and the fruit will be good also ; but it is Christ alone, the good Husbandman, that can make the tree good, and then He will eat of the fruit. I was in the prac¬ tice, night and morning, of saying prayers in the form, in as humble a manner as I knew how. This was borne with in the days of my ignorance ; but when in the light, I saw how will-worship was not acceptable in His holy sight, and had forsaken it, this practice remained ; and one night, as I was on my knees, I felt such a terror take hold of me, that I quickly rose, and never dare afterwards proceed in the same formal manner of praying. When the true church came out of the wilderness, which she has done in these latter days, she came out leaning on the breast of her Beloved — laying aside all useless forms and ceremonies that do not profit the comers thereunto, and solely depending upon the immediate teachings of the Grace of God and the revelations of His Holy Spirit ; thereby antichrist was dispos¬ sessed of his rule and government in the church, and Christ took to Himself his own power and authority to rule and govern, who appoints His own servants, qualifying them for the several uses and purposes which He in His holy wisdom has allotted, sending them forth, and telling them, “ Freely ye have re¬ ceived, freely give; ” these seek no man’s silver or gold, or apparel, but serve their own necessities, JOHN CONRAN. 23 and those of others, by the labour of their hands. Although I had suffered deeply, as I thought, in the hour of judgment and of burning, yet those things which I had suffered were only as a beginning of sorrows ; the ground of the heart was not to be lightly turned up, the gospel plough was to be in¬ troduced, and the fallow ground broken up, and I was to sow no more among thorns : the terrors of God’s judgments were often set before my mind, and made such deep impressions as I believe will never be erased. It is a truth past all contradiction with me, that the Divine Spirit will not dwell in a temple which He has not previously cleansed in a great degree. I speak now to you, my beloved brethren and sisters, who have in your own experi¬ ence known your measure of the depths of Satan, and have been brought out of Egypt with a high hand and an outstretched arm, and have known Christ’s baptism to be with fire and the Holy Ghost, and that it is the baptism which only and alone affords the answer of a. good conscience towards God, and cleanses both flesh and spirit. To relate m uch more of the inscrutable judgments of God, which are past finding out but in the expe¬ rience of them, may not be needful for me to do at present. I may say that “ day after day uttered speech, and night after night declared knowledge’" — quietness succeeded these fearful voices uttered 24 THE LIFE OF from the mount, not through or by man, in it he had no share or portion ; remission of the past seemed to [be spoken] in this quiet frame, and a voice to say, “ go and do so no more.” I was now brought into the school of Christ, in order to be instructed by Him in the law that was to be the government, through Him, of my future life ; the old wine was poured out, the old heavens were rolled up as a scroll, I willingly surrendered them to the fire. I conferred no longer with flesh and blood, but gave up to the heavenly vision, and bowed down my ear to instruction, for He spoke now as never man spake ; instead of whetting His glitter¬ ing sword, and laying hold of judgment, He became my shepherd, and drew me to follow Him in the new way by the Shepherd’s crook of His love, some¬ times leading me into green pastures, refreshing my poor disconsolate mind. Then it was I thought 1 would joyfully run the way of His commandments and never be weary : here I would gladly have ta¬ bernacled, but I was to go down from the mount, and pass through the winter season, and mourn the absence of Him whom my soul was now taught to love, for the savour of His ointment was delight¬ ful unto me. The same Divine principle [of light and life] which led me out of the forms and ceremonies to worship the Father in spirit and in truth, also led* JOHN CONRAN. 25 me by its secret teachings into a straight and narrow way, as to all superfluities in dress and address ; and knowing in whom I had believed, the same hath preserved me in it to this day, and I trust will do so to the end, as there is no variableness with Him. 